On the heels of our post about friendships in the ballet studio, our friend Elizabeth Sullivan is out with an article about how dance friends can support one another when hitting bumps in the road.
One of the most common questions I get from dancers is “How can I support my friend who is having trouble with (fill in the blank)?” The answer varies greatly depending on what they’re dealing with, but to simplify, I’ve grouped challenges into three levels: low, medium, and high. Hopefully, these will at least help you get started with supporting your own friends or finding help.
Expected, “low-level” challenges
Intense pre-professional ballet training offers a host of these expected challenges like body image issues, anxiety, self-doubt, or low confidence. Let’s tackle the first two.
Any field where individuals are in leotards and tights and judged based primarily on their body type and appearance is bound to bring up a lot of body image challenges. (See gymnastics, modeling, and figure skating, among others.)
Add in an unforgiving “ideal” aesthetic and daily self-scrutiny in a mirror and it’s not surprising that so many dancers feel their bodies don’t meet the mark. This can be a constant source of aggravation and anxiety for some.
As long as it’s a “low-level” concern, meaning your friends aren’t taking drastic measures to change what they look like or spiral in a way that impacts their ability to learn and enjoy themselves, then you will be able to support them in a way that’s helpful.
The same goes for “low-level” anxiety, which might center around casting woes, getting mentally stuck in comparisons with peers, and/or feeling they are not getting corrected often enough.
“Low-level” anxiety is bothersome but not incapacitating, meaning they can often find ways to work through it and it can get better when they get a good role or more corrections. Many perfectionistic highly serious dancers can experience “low level” anxiety but it doesn’t render them dysfunctional.
Best Way To Support
Voice your support for your friend along with your concern. It can help to share what you’ve observed without judgment.
Provide Context
Remind your friend that the “ideal” body is unattainable for most people and that s/he is not alone in feeling that they don’t measure up. Or for anxiety, reminding them that the environment and culture are a lot to blame for people feeling a bit on edge and competitive; that they are not alone in feeling uncomfortable sometimes, and that some level of anxiety or discomfort might even be normal at that studio.
Provide Perspective
Having a conversation about what is most important to your friend can be helpful: are there things they can work towards and achieve that is more in their control than their body type or casting (which are not)? And asking them what they still love about dancing and look forward to might help put body insecurities or lack of teacher attention into a slightly different perspective.
Suggest Getting Support
If you feel your friend needs more than just your casual support, you might suggest finding someone else to talk to like their doctor or a school counselor or therapist. Often, just starting to talk about their concerns can make them less intense and powerful.
Serious “High-Level” Challenges
When low-level concerns become high-level concerns, it’s time to bring an adult into the conversation. Here are a few examples of “high-level” challenges that require intervention.
Disordered Eating/Eating Disorders
“High-level” body image issues are much more serious and can propel dancers to manipulate the way they eat and think about food. Small changes can morph into disordered eating and then full-blown eating disorders. If you see that your friend is restricting what they eat, no longer eating in front of peers, commenting a lot on what s/he can/cannot eat, and/or is losing weight rapidly, s/he could be headed towards or already have an eating disorder.
Eating disorders are tricky to treat and heal, and the longer they go on, the deeper the person becomes entrenched in them, so it’s best to alert an adult as soon as possible. Don’t say that your friend has an eating disorder unless s/he has told you they do; instead, just share your observations with an adult and say that you are worried for him/her. They can take over from there.
Self-Harm
Sometimes the anxiety experienced in the studio can lead dancers to engage in self-harm like cutting, excessive drinking, or drugs. As a peer, there isn’t much you can do to be effective other than voicing your concern for your friend and then speaking with an adult about it.
Anxiety
“High-level” anxiety is much more serious and goes far beyond the occasional stomach flutter or fear of not being good enough. Symptoms of “high level” anxiety can include loss of appetite, numbness in your extremities, stomach pain and/or nausea, and a feeling of dread about dancing, fainting, or nearly fainting.
Sometimes, people experiencing high levels of anxiety take drastic measures to soothe themselves, including self-harm. This is just one reason why it’s crucial to seek adult help if you know or fear your friend is suffering from this type of anxiety.
Best Way To Support
Like with low-level concerns, you can voice your support for your friend along with your concern. It can help to share what you’ve observed without judgment. But in the case of “high-level” concerns, you must also alert an adult so that steps can be taken to keep your friend from potential harm.
The adult/s can be your parents, who may then choose to alert the parents of the dancer in question and/or the dance studio; it could be a coach, physical therapist, school administrator, or dance teacher. Choose someone who you feel comfortable speaking with and who you believe will take your concerns seriously.
Follow up with that person later to be sure s/he has done something about what you shared. You might experience resistance, anger, or pushback from the friend you have talked about to an adult; this is not unexpected. They might feel hurt or betrayed. It’s normal for them and you might want to find support for yourself if their reaction is hard on you. But you will have done the right thing in alerting an adult; as mentioned above, “high-level” concerns are dangerous and in some cases can be life-threatening. Those cases are not to be taken lightly or ignored. If feelings are hurt, find support for yourself.
“Medium-Level” Challenges
If you are unsure whether your friend’s struggles should be considered high or low-level, talk to an adult. Adults who work with young people or are parents themselves will have a different, more mature perspective on what you’re telling them. If they don’t know what to do, they’ll most likely talk to other adults until they land on a plan of action. If the first adult you talk to doesn’t take action or seems confused about what to do, find another one.
It’s my hope that these guidelines will help you better support your friends in the dance studio and give you a sense of agency to act on concerns that feel too big and serious for you to handle personally.
The Ballet Help Desk 