Ballet Help Desk

We’ve been seeing some posts on social media and also recently got some questions from parents about friendships in the ballet studio and how to manage them. This can be especially tough when some of your closest friends can also be your fiercest competition. It can sometimes get complicated, but we’ve got some tips to help smooth the way. We’re not here to tell you how to parent your children. But, we can tell you what we’ve seen and what our kids have seen.

First, ballet breeds insecurity and that insecurity manifests in a variety of ways. One way it comes out is by being mean to others. This culture of meanness usually results from the school staff turning a blind eye to how students treat one another. In our experience we’ve noticed a trend that when a student feels valued it creates a more nurturing environment where negative interactions between students appear to be lessened.

One thing we’ve seen is that it seems like schools recognize that culture starts at the top and it appears that more administrators are recognizing that there is more to developing a dancer than just the technique. More and more, we’re seeing a focus on the whole person rather than just the ballet stuff. This is a good sign.

We talked with a bunch of dancers and this is the one thing they told us: Above all else. “DO NOT talk about what happened in the studio outside of the studio.” They did say, “Sure, you want to complain about how cranky your teacher was that day?” That’s fine. But, leave the other stuff alone. They said that this is the foundation to maintaining all friendships. You may be competitors in the studio, but that all stays there when they leave.

Separate The Friendships From The Ballet

Ballet friendships, like in many competitive activities, grow out of mutual respect based on competition, hard work, dedication and most importantly, the challenges and triumphs.

Friendships matter. So does success in ballet. But those things are not mutually exclusive. You might hear people say that their friends are also their fiercest competitors. Is that a bad thing? While it may sometimes seem like it, ballet is not a zero sum game. One doesn’t have to fail in order for the other to succeed. 

There are certain times of the year where things get hypercompetitive. Let’s take summer intensives. At a certain age, most serious dancers will start to audition for and attend summer intensives. Some will get into all of them. Some might only get into a few. But, it is the rare instance where a dancer doesn’t get into any. Sure, it might cause a bit of jealousy, but it passes. Everyone needs to understand that no one can take this personally. It doesn’t mean one kid is “better” than another. It just means that on that one day, one kid might have had a better audition. 

And frankly, a month later, no one remembers what happened. Most of these things are transient. Friendships last a lot longer than one summer or even one show. 

These kids realize that a lot of what happens in the studio, especially around really really stressful times, stems from insecurity and pressure. They have an amazing ability to not take this stuff personally because they realize a lot of times, it’s not personal.

Ballet Friends Lift Each Other Up

Sam ran into a situation that underscored the power of friendships in the studio. The HBII kids were getting ready for their spring show. Sam was cast in a piece that was incredibly challenging. And, he was struggling with part of it. There were two casts for this piece and the male dancer in the other cast really had his part down. This guy is a great dancer! But, he, along with two women from HBII, spent hours working with Sam to help him get his part right. 

It would have been so easy for the other male dancer to say something like,  “Sorry, dude, you’re on your own.” But, he didn’t. And, they are often vying for the same roles and will ultimately be going after the same jobs. And, the two women had absolutely nothing to gain by helping him. They were all brutally honest with him about his deficiencies. But, it wasn’t mean. It was direct. And, it was helpful. Sam maintains that there was no way he would have gotten through his show without their help. Good friends lift each other up even when they have nothing to gain from it. 

Remember: no one loses by being nice. Sam will remember their kindness for much longer than he may remember random spats they might have had over dumb stuff in the studio.

Your Reputation Follows You

Remember our blog post about your reputation? Students can lose a lot if they aren’t nice. It may not happen overnight, but eventually, one’s behavior will catch up with them. And, you never know where kids will end up. We’ve heard of dancers bouncing around various companies because they were jerks. You might see a dancer who is really good, but if they’re a jerk, their reputation will begin to precede them. You might not think that when that kid is 14 and lording over everyone. But, it eventually happens. This sounds really transactional, but it’s important to remember that friendships at this age happen to coincide with one’s professional network, which admittedly, is a unique feature of an industry like ballet. 

As an aside, corps work requires cohesiveness. And if that cohesiveness isn’t there, everyone can see it on stage. They need to operate like a well-oiled machine or things don’t work. This goes for a major company or the small local studio performing excerpts from Giselle. You don’t have to love each other, but mutual respect is critical to the success of the group.

Also, there is a practical matter around studio friendships. While not everyone will go on to a professional career, having friends in the ballet world will help a lot if your dancer ends up going pro. Remember the networking thing? All of those galas that happen in the summer? How do you think dancers are chosen for this? It’s their friends! There is a reason it’s called Roberto Bolle and Friends and not Roberto Bolle’s gala.

Not to mention, you never know who the next choreographer is going to be! It might not have been the best dancer in the class. But, don’t think that person forgot how they were treated by others in their classes. 

Here is another reason friendships are so important. Much of ballet is about critiques and corrections. It’s the only thing we can think of where the more corrections a kid gets, the more they feel “seen.” How messed up is that?! So, when every authority figure is telling a kid what’s wrong with them – they need to improve turnout, get stronger, “lengthen!”, kids need each other to lift them up. 

Again, no one loses by being nice. Sometimes it may look that way at the time. But, trust us, play the long game on this one.

A Dancer’s Ballet Family

As your dancer gets older, you’ll start hearing them refer to their ballet family. Yes, it’s a thing. By high school, these kids are together more than they are with their real family. And, if they’re at a residential ballet school, it’s the only people they see.

They see your dancer at their highest highs and their lowest lows. When our kids were at their ballet program, we saw this happen: during a run of shows, several students were cast in corps parts. There was a last minute casting change and one of the upper level students was put into the cast at the last minute. Two other students saw this change but didn’t bother to call the dancer who was cast last minute. 

What did they stand to gain? 

Finally, another dancer called the student who hightailed it over to the theater. Wonder who will be remembered as the one who came through? Who’s the real friend here? 

In addition, if your dancer continues down this path, they will hit bumps. And, sometimes, those bumps are really, really big. When your dancer hits those big bumps, the first people they will turn to are their friends. 

Kids may stop dancing when they’re 15, 21 or even 40. But, the friendships they develop in the studio can last a lifetime. This matters.