We have some exciting news! Today, we are launching two podcast episodes dedicated to addressing the issues that affect young boys in ballet. The first is an interview with Peter Stark, sometimes referred to as the Pied Piper of boys ballet training. As the President and Director of the Rock School For Dance, Peter discussed ways to make ballet a bit more accessible and also appealing to young boys. He approaches what he tells us from the standpoint of recruiting boys into more serious ballet training.

We were also fortunate enough to interview Patrick Frenette, a dancer with the American Ballet Theater and co-founder of the Boys Ballet Summer Intensive. He talks about what he’s seen over the years as society tries to figure out what to do with boys in ballet. Some of what is written in this post is also discussed by Mr. Frenette in our interview with him. We hope parents of young dancers will find inspiration in both episodes.

Ok, so onto our latest blog post……..

As a follow-up to a post I wrote back in May, I wanted to come back to talk about possible ways to address the issues male ballet dancers face. Now, before everyone starts to clap back and say how easy it is for men in ballet companies, this isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the little boys who tell their parents they want to dance. This became my reality when Sam was five.

As a recap, here are the stats around boys who dance:

According to Doug Risner, a professor of dance at Wayne State University, only 32% of fathers in the U.S. support their boys dancing ballet. Yes, you read that correctly – 32%. And, read on for some more sobering statistics:

The boys that make it all the way to the upper levels of a ballet school or even to a professional career are relentlessly tough. Here are some of the things they had to endure (Risner):

• Teasing, name calling and other verbal abuse (93%)
• Verbal or physical harassment (68%)
• Verbal threats or threatening behavior (39%)
• Physical harm or injury (11%)

According to Risner, “If this were not the arts, it would be considered a child health crisis.”

In my prior post, I talked about how my son, Sam, was one of the lucky ones who managed to avoid most of the bullying. When he read my article, he pointed out that I was wrong. He wasn’t as lucky as I recalled. I had simply blocked it out because it had been pretty damn scary at the time. 

When Sam was ten, he was physically threatened by a middle school boy. His first dance school was at a local community center that shared space with other after school activities. It was also a gathering place for middle school kids. In the bathroom, a boy who was a few years older told Sam he was going to break his arms. Was it because he was a dancer? I don’t know. And, this happened multiple times, which we didn’t know because Sam didn’t tell us. Until, finally, he did.

However, he didn’t tell us until the issue had already been addressed. I will be forever grateful to his HeartBeat Dance Academy posse who found out about it and decided this just wasn’t ok. Sam danced mostly with girls who were two and three years older than he was. When they heard what was going on, they took it upon themselves to walk with him. Everywhere. He. Went. 

And, they made it clear to this other kid that he was not to mess with Sam. Ever. Again. Trust me, you did not want to cross these girls when they were protecting their own. And, Sam was one of them. In that regard, we were so incredibly lucky. Not all boys who dance have guardian angels like my son had. And, heaven help that kid once Sam’s studio director found out. I never saw the bully around the studio again.

So, this is an open letter to studio directors, parents of girls and yes, parents of boys. Here are some ways to make it easier for everyone.

Studio Directors: Hold Them Accountable

No, I don’t mean hold the studio directors accountable. Hold the boys accountable. If there is a dress code for the girls, it applies to the boys as well. If there is a code of behavior for the girls, it must also be applied to the boys. Saying that boys are fidgety and need to “burn energy” gives boys a free pass and holds girls to a higher standard. All this does is cause resentment. “Boys will be boys” is simply not ok. 

Plus, ALL kids need boundaries. Boundaries are not gender segregated.

At Sam’s first dance school, the aforementioned HeartBeat Dance Academy, he was treated neither like a boy nor a girl. He was simply a dancer. And, in dance class, he was expected to behave in a certain way. If not, you’re out. It wasn’t cruel, it was just the rules.

Next, don’t needlessly showcase the boy. If he’s the best dancer there, by all means, showcase him! But, I have seen too many instances where studios push a boy to the front of the cast just to let everyone know that “Yay! We have a boy!!”

How do you think that makes an eight year old boy feel? Like he has a big old target on his back! Kids aren’t stupid. They know how to stack-rank a group in record time. If that boy is a weaker dancer, don’t put him front and center! It’s not good for him, it’s not good for his parents, it’s not good for the girls and it’s not good for the studio. Just don’t do it.

Ok, let’s talk pointe shoes. For girls, this is a huge rite of passage. For boys, there really isn’t anything comparable. Baby’s first dance belt just isn’t the equivalent! So, as much as you want to make a big deal of the girls going on pointe, remember that these boys already feel left out, so consider how these celebrations happen and the impact it may have on the boys. By all means, celebrate this big milestone. Just remember that it isn’t a milestone for everyone., and often, the everyone means the one boy in the class. And, yes I know that some boys go on pointe, but it’s still a small number.

Finally, costumes need to be given the same level of importance to the boys as for the girls. In our conversation with Mr. Frenette, he reminded me of something I had long forgotten. Boys costumes sometimes suck. I can’t tell you how many recitals I’ve watched where the girls have these beautiful tutus and bodices and the boy has tights that don’t really fit and the tunic is four sizes too big. It’s as if there was one tunic lying around and they threw it on the boy at the last minute. Everyone in the show should have a good costume. Period.

Parents of Boys: It Does Get Better, But Not For A While

As the parent of an 18 year old male ballet dancer, I can tell you it does get better. But, it takes a while before that happens. In the meantime, here are some words of advice for how to smooth the way.

First, support your kid. I don’t care if you think it’s weird that he dances (it’s not). I don’t care if you were hoping for a basketball player. I don’t care if you’ve never set foot in a theater. I don’t even care if you don’t like dance. This is your kid. Support him. You may be the only one who does in those early years. And, dads, be part of the 32%, not the other group.

On the flip side, hold him accountable for his behavior in class. If a studio has rules, reinforce them to your son. The sooner they learn how to follow whatever rules exist in the studio, the better. Some, (but not all) studios are so desperate to hold on to their boys that they pretty much let them get away with anything. But, as I mentioned above, “boys will be boys” is not ok. Your boy may be the most special kid in your world. But, in the studio, he’s just another student. Hold him accountable. Make sure the studio holds him accountable. He’ll thank you when he’s older.

Second, when shopping for a ballet studio, do your research. Two boys in a class instead of one can make all the difference! If you find a studio with a boy, GO THERE. Even if it isn’t the best studio in town. When your son is young, as long as it’s adequate, go there. Do not even think twice about this. And, if there is a male teacher at that studio, even better!

Also, if you are in a position to do this financially, schedule private lessons with male teachers. If you live in an area with a professional company, it’s not uncommon for male ballet dancers to teach private lessons on the side. We started doing this when my son was about 11 and we would seek out private lessons wherever we happened to be traveling to see family. 

One of the highlights of my son’s ballet training was when we were able to schedule a private lesson with Gonzalo Garcia, who was, at the time, a principal dancer with New York City Ballet. For Sam, it was like meeting Elvis. Gonzalo probably doesn’t even remember giving him this lesson, but it stayed with my son for years. It gave him someone to look up to who had already forged his path to a ballet career.

Parents, the ballet world is small. I’ve sent direct messages to dancers asking if they do private lessons and 100% of them have replied to me. So, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. These men know what your boy is dealing with because they’ve all been there! Every single one of them.

Also, get your boys to summer ballet intensives as soon as you think they’re ready to go. But, do your homework. Make sure the program attracts a lot of boys. You can start your research with the summer intensive reviews that we have on our website. You’ll start to notice that the programs that attract boys are a smaller subset of the overall number of summer intensives out there.

My son started going when he was ten, and he did his first “sleep away” program at age 11 at the Joffrey Academy in Chicago. I’ll never forget walking into parent observation and seeing all those little boys in one class! It was clear that my son had found his people. Funny enough, one of those little boys is now a much bigger boy and is in the second company of Houston Ballet with my son! Remember what we told you about seeing the same kids over and over again?

One of the best summer ballet programs that boys can attend is the Boys Ballet Summer Intensive in North Carolina. Founded in part by Patrick Frenette, a dancer with American Ballet Theater (and featured in our latest podcast episode), he created the BBSI to give boys the opportunity to train alongside other serious male dancers, often for the first time in their lives. I’ve heard parents describe this program as life changing for their sons.

There are loads of summer ballet programs out there and many attract a large number of male dancers. But, the BBSI is the only one created by and for male dancers. Consider it when you’re looking at summer training. If you want more information about the BBSI, we have several reviews of the program for you to take a look at.

We recently interviewed Mr. Frenette about his experience as a male dancer, how he navigated the path that was fraught with bullying and why he started the BBSI. Tune in – it’s a great listen.

Parents Of Girls: Just Invite Them Along

Ok, parents of girls, you can play a role here as well! First, try to remind your kids that the little boy in their studio didn’t choose to be showcased. He didn’t ask to be put in the front of every piece. And, he sure didn’t ask to be featured in the studio’s advertising. And, if his parents are anything like we were, they’re too worried about keeping their kid from getting beaten up, along with hoping he’ll make a friend or two, to even think about lobbying a studio director for good casting.

I know it’s hard to tell an 11 year-old this, but helping to reinforce that this isn’t often a boy dancer’s choice, may help to alleviate potential resentment. 

Also, remind your daughters of the impact they can have on this boy. It’s the small stuff. Invite him into the circle to stretch before class. Offer to share snacks. You’re thinking, “Seriously? Share snacks?” Yes, share snacks. When my son joined his first dedicated ballet studio. Not one student talked to him for the first few weeks. All these girls who seemed to have known each other from birth, and no one welcomed him in. It was pretty lonely.

Then, one day, Sam and another student showed up with the same snack food. Sam, being a pretty outgoing kid, decided to put himself out there and suggested they pool everything and share with the few other kids who were there. You can’t believe what a difference that made. The ice was broken and it gave him a way into the group. 

Also, if your daughters are headed to Starbucks in between classes. Invite the boy. If you’re having a birthday party and all the ballet girls are invited, invite the boy. It doesn’t make a huge difference to have one additional kid at a party. But, to the boy, it can be everything. We hear the term microaggression thrown around a lot. Think of these small acts as micro-kindnesses!

These young boys spend so much time feeling like “the other” or the outsider. Or, worse, they get showcased even if they don’t have the skill to warrant being put front and center. To just feel like one of the group, goes so much further than you could ever imagine. 

Trust me, I’ve seen it all over the last ten years.

I’m certainly not discounting how hard ballet is for everyone. I see how skewed the job market is for women vs. men. I’ve seen the misogyny, I see the incredible overrepresentation of men in leadership roles. All of this is true. 

What is also true is that it’s hard to break into ballet as a young boy and emerge unscathed.

Podcast Episodes

September 28: Patrick Frenette
September 28 (bonus episode): Peter Stark