We got a question a while back that really intrigued us. We were asked this:
As experienced dance parents looking back, what things would you have done differently?
We’re going to answer this question together.
What Would Jenny Have Done Differently?
If I knew then what I know now, I would have spent more time helping my daughter prepare for highly competitive environments. When kids are younger, dance is all about the fun. She was in a competition studio and those were her closest friends. Even though they were “competing” with one another, the stakes were pretty low. The worst thing that would happen is that one of them would get “platinum” and one would only get “high gold.” It certainly was not going to determine the trajectory of one’s career, and the kids hardly questioned their friendships over it. But, when my daughter made the jump from a local competition studio to a dedicated ballet studio and then on to a company affiliated ballet school, she wasn’t ready.
Ballet is the kind of career that almost demands that you be a bit selfish. You are so focused on yourself, your body, your performance, your progress. Thinking of others is secondary. In her previous schools everything was pretty equitable. Once she got to ballet, that wasn’t the case. Students are all vying for attention from teachers, choreographers and artistic directors. And, kids need to develop a way of standing out. Sometimes, part of that means getting the right barre spot or even making sure you go in the first group during class. Or, it may mean making sure that you go to the front as much as you can. Whether we like it or not, ballet is a numbers game and the odds are not always in your favor. So, it’s important to remind your dancers that they definitely do need to find ways to stand out in class.
Another thing I wish we were able to do a better job of teaching her is to allow things to roll off her back. She tends to take things personally and wants to make everyone happy. She eventually worked with a performance coach to help her build mental fortitude and develop coping mechanisms, but I wish we did it a whole lot earlier and maybe started therapy in conjunction with the performance coach to work on the pressure and anxiety that she was dealing with.
Finally, I would have taken her for a second opinion earlier than we did for a painful injury that she had been dealing with. After letting it go for quite a while, and after one misdiagnosis, she finally had to have surgery, which kept her out of a critical time in her training. Injuries are common with dancers. In fact it’s almost 100% likely a dancer will suffer an injury, if not multiple injuries during their career. And, it’s critical that when injuries occur, that you find a doctor who is familiar with or even specializes in treating dancers. This is something we didn’t initially do and I wish we would have sought out a dancer medicine specialist much earlier.
What Would Brett Have Done Differently?
What would I have done differently? So many things! But there are three that really come to mind. The first is that we should have gotten Sam out of his first online school program and put him in something less rigorous. When he was 15, Sam moved out of our house and into an apartment near the San Francisco Ballet School (SFBS). He was also taking a pretty tough course load that year and it coincided with his first year in the advanced level at SFBS. Everyone was just getting back into the studio after Covid. So, a lot was being thrown at him all at once. I think we really underestimated this and he paid for it with his mental health. We finally woke up and switched programs for his junior year.
We’ll address the types of non-traditional education that is available to dancers who go into full-time training in a future post. But, it is really important to consider where academics fits into your dancer’s life. We realized that the rigor of Sam’s former online school was too great. He’s a smart kid (what ballet dancer isn’t?), but with so many transitions happening at the same time, he just wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle rigorous school along with rigorous ballet training.
The second thing we should have done was to stop trying to jam things into every waking minute. When Sam was little, everything was a no. So, we told him that for every two no’s, there had to be a yes. As he got older, we all kind of flipped to saying yes to everything – extra classes, pilates, strength work outside of the studio, you name it. Looking back, we didn’t give him enough space to say, “enough is enough.” I think we were all so caught up in the ballet horse race that we thought he needed to do all of this in order to keep up. The problem is that it probably did the opposite – it messed with his mental health, which affected him in the studio.
The last thing is that we should have been more forceful about not letting him attend two pretty demanding summer programs in the summer of 2021. He had been toying with leaving his current school and was planning to attend both summer programs to see if one of those places would be somewhere he might want to train full-time.
One was five weeks and then the other was two. He was nursing an injury that we didn’t realize was as bad as it was. Before writing this, I called Sam and asked him what we could have said to him to get him to not go to the second program. He said, “Absolutely nothing would have kept me out.” Despite opting not to leave his current school and attend one of these other places for year-round, he said he thought it was worth going to both.
I don’t happen to agree with this and we should have come down harder and not let him go. It resulted in him being out all of the first semester of the 2021-2022 ballet school year and that also affected his mental health. However, at the time, we didn’t realize what bad shape he was in.
Ballet And Its Effect On Mental Health
One thing you’re probably noticing is that we tend to focus on decisions that were made that ultimately affected our kids’ mental health. Mental health issues, especially post-Covid are everywhere. You probably see it within your kids’ circle of friends. Sometimes it’s hard to spot when your kids are having trouble. For us, we both found out in time to do something about it.
We had Sam start working with a wellness coach, who specializes in working with pre-professional dancers. And, the recommendation actually came from Jenny’s daughter. We are not mental health professionals, but one thing we will say is that it really helps to have someone who is objective that your dancer can talk to. Sam has been working with someone for just over two years and it’s been so helpful. I tell everyone that if their dancer is willing, it’s worth getting them talking to someone before issues arise. That way you can head things off at the pass.
Closing Thoughts
If we could go back and have a “do-over,” both of us would probably do some things differently. But, we also know we can’t beat ourselves up over choices we made on behalf of our kids. We’re all doing our best to parent these kids on this nutty path, and sometimes we make choices we wish we didn’t make.
We’ll leave you with this: None of you will make the right decisions 100% of the time. And, that’s ok. You do what you think makes the most sense given a particular situation and hope it works out. Most of the time it does and once in a while, it doesn’t – the ride may not always be easy, but it’s always interesting!